Ask Joe: Advice for Long-Suffering Boyfriends and the Newly Gay

By Joe Weston

Welcome to “Ask Joe,” RealJock’s advice column, written by our regular contributor, Joe Weston. Joe is a life coach, workshop facilitator, lecturer and peace advocate with a deep commitment to the possibility of individual personal fulfillment. Looking for some clarity on tricky issues in your life? Share what’s on your mind with Joe—concerning work, personal awareness, love and romance, meditation and spiritual exploration, or just about anything else that’s getting between you and your life goals.

Write to Joe:
Reaching Joe couldn’t be simpler: just email your question to joe@realjock.com. Your identity will be kept anonymous, but do note that questions may be edited for length and clarity.

Hi Joe,
I am newly gay, having begun my reprogramming process several months ago. I am healthy and in my fifties, yep, better late than never in finding my true self!

But, before I started the process I could get an erection quickly and easily. Now not so much. I feel stuck in between hetero and gay. When I find the chance to play with a gay man I just can’t get it up. I think it is more mental than physical? I have been checked by a doctor and I am okay physically. I have not found a man that excites me emotionally?  Maybe I haven’t progressed far enough yet in my process?

Your thoughts? And, yes, I fully understand that being gay is about attraction and love more than sex.
—Stuck in the Middle

Welcome, S.I.T.M.!
Congratulations for having the courage to speak your truth and be who you want to be. What a great time to begin this process. I have many clients in their fifties who are just coming to this same place within themselves. So many exciting, vital men of that age. Take your time though! You have a lot of ground to cover and have plenty of time to do it.

Your situation is actually quite common. There are many reasons why you may not get an erection when you engage erotically with men. Far too many to mention in one letter, but let’s take a look at one. You say you are healthy and vital and in a good place with who you are, so I doubt you are having any physical issues. I would imagine that the main cause of not getting erections might have to do with anxiety.

And that makes sense. There are so many new things you suddenly have to deal with and address. Things you may never have considered or have any kind of reference for. And since you probably don’t know the gay world too well, I would imagine that you are still trying to figure out how that world operates. Not to mention some possible concerns about sexual practices, performance, hygiene and, of course, health questions.

I would recommend you see yourself as a teenager in terms of how much information and experience you have. This is not an insult. On the contrary, this can help you get into a fun and playful attitude about how to live the rest of your life! Be curious. Make lists of questions, read books, ask questions. Find mentors and teachers you can trust who can guide you through. This is a great way to jump into the scene in a safe way and not find yourself on the periphery feeling alone and frustrated.

Give yourself the space to explore and have fun! Try things out and find out what turns you on. Start with massages, or just kissing, maybe even erotic massage or any sexual activities that feels right. Isn’t that how we did it as teenagers, with boys or with girls? Well, maybe not all of us, but some of us? There are also qualified schools and practitioners who teach techniques in self-pleasuring and safe sex practices.

When you know what turns you on, when you figure out what feels right to you, when you can get to a place where you feel at home in this new world of yours, I would imagine that you will have ease getting erections and opening to deep levels of erotic pleasure. And by the way, there are plenty of ways to experience sexual bliss without getting an erection!

See this as a time of research and experimenting. No need to do it right, no pressure. Enjoy it while you can! What comes next are all the issues and worries about all the stuff that comes with emotional involvement and intimacy….

Much joy to you,
—Joe

Read more on RealJock.

Creating Solutions

Watch the “HIV is Still a Big Deal” videos

How does a 44 yr old man manage ADHD and live with AIDS for 25yrs?

I strive to stay healthy and look great!  I have been procrastinating a bit when it comes to getting up the focus and sit still long enough to write what my experience has been.  I like to be in a space where I am clear and it is filled with optimism about the future, but still hold true of the ups and downs of managing HIV. For me and I am sure for many life throws you curve balls and before ya know it , your in a place you never thought you’d be. I remember at 19yrs old I was thinking I would be gone by now at 44,… fast forwarding in my mind years ago and low and behold I’m still kicking.

I currently take about 16 pills lower than the once 32 pills I had to take for different reasons not just because of having AIDS. I’m quite the pro at throwing down my pills without gagging. Along with the HIV medication I’m on Epivir and Isentress, I take ADHD medication, sleep medication, pain medication, medication for neurapathy,cholesterol, anxiety, depression,IV Immuno globulin, herbs and vitamins. But hey I’m told I look great even though sometimes I don’t feel the best.

When I first found out I was positive I went into denial. In the 80’s, I was living in Indiana and everybody was scared of what the big disease with the little name was and how it was spread. I went inward and did nothing about it for years.When I did finally deal with it my t-cells were 219 in the 90’s. In 1993 was in the hospital with PCP, In 1997 I was diagnosed with AIDS since then my basline has never went beyond 550 t-cells but am undetectable.

Later in life in 1990 I was in an ex Gay ministry and was a fanatic about sticking to healing, herbs, lots of supplements and exercise. People would say I could be healed if I really believed. I was somewaht healthy but lost ALOT of weight, I looked unhealthy. This mentality lasted for so long then I began to ease up on my over obsession with doing everything in access to stay alive, I was scared though afterall I was so very young I had my whole life to live and this wasn’t part of the plan, I didn’t want to die in my early 20’s.

Fast forward –  I escaped the ex Gay ministry with a belief system that was not traditional but one in which I could embrace and I needed , thanks to a Pastor from Hospice that met with me religiously every 2 weeks.He believed there was purpouse for me, …while I was so ready to denounce my hope and beleifs in GOD or something bigger than me. I had to make sense of my life. My beliefs were so important to have comfort, for survival and to believe maybe I’d be alive when a cure comes.

The biggest difference was that I could tell my attitude and personality changed for the better when I began to get involved with HIV/AIDS Education, Advocacy and Activism. Freeing my voice and speaking of my story my testimony and helping others did something to me…I believe it bought me purpose and something to look forward to.

I love helping people, seeing people grow, become active or enlightened about their purpose..in a sense passing the torch on for others to light the way and discovering their voice. I believe silence is not healthy and to keep in shame , regret, embarrassment or feeling bad about yourself isn’t good. I know speaking out and being vocal isn’t for everyone, but for me it was what made me soar. It wasn’t about me focusing on me but on others and that took the constant worry of my own life.

One of the biggest obstacles in managing HIV/AIDS was managing the ADHD first so I could develop a way to take my meds right, catch myself in hyperactive mode and not bite more off than I could chew. I am one for doing several projects at once, but my brain is going so fast that my body has a hard time catching up with it. Because ADHD comes with it’s unique individual to individual co-morbid symptoms that follow include depression ,anxiety and impulsiveness…  my road has been a bit of a roller coaster at times.So for me alot of this balance came after managing ADHD.

Then there is SAD to deal with so it feels great spring is coming I need the sunlight. I am not immune to addictions and have had and can still have times when these weaknesses want to pull you back down. I believe that for me being happy is important, having purpose in life-the exchange of giving and receiving, listening and learning, being involved in life. I have a tendency to go inwards when something triggers the depression and it can become quite debilitating.

I have alot of health problems but I cope with it. I can go on and on about being in the hospital, procedures done on me, all my current health problems, but right now I am focusing on rising above some recent difficulties I’ve been having with my health. I think having a lot of loving friends who care for me is key, I think helping others is key, exercise is key, lifting your voice is key, finding strength in people who believe in you and are positive for you but allow you the freedom to be down when you need to feel sadness..

I always say just don’t stay there..let it be but then get up wipe yourself off and move on.I have the support of some of my family and seem to have more support from my surrogate family, my non biological family. I don’t waste my time with people who don’t see me and what I can contribute. I have learned to knock at the door and bring forth from my memory what I have learned from my former mentors that are no longer living but have passed on and are asleep now, some people don’t open the door for more progressive ideas so I don’t waste my time anymore, there are other avenues.

I have seen too much suffering, death, but I’ve also witnessed remarkable stories of survival. I think I need to be true to my own testimony  never forgetting the message that we still have alot to do and evidently I still have lots to do.

I have fun , I joke, I’m a kid at heart, I say what I need to say , good ,bad or indifferent, there is something to be said for being authentic even if the next person does not agree. We all play a part, the mover , the shaker, the peacemaker.I can be too serious and intense I am well aware of this, none the less I still have a place in this world where this person is needed.I have the support and Love of my BF Billy and Tyson and miss Daisy my pets. I try to be balanced about my life/moderation and not so hard on myself anymore. History along with the present needs to be told.

I know I belong here on this planet right now and with a unison of others will be part of change somehow. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. God at least I hope not.

– Gregory Sanchez III
Chicago

Read more ‘How are you healthy?’ on LifeLube

Beyond the courts/CRIMINALIZATION OF HIV

Two Australian sports commentators are facing an investigation by the New South Wales anti-discrimination board for their remarks about men’s figure skating.

Mike Molloy and Eddie McGuire made the remarks last week during the Winter Olympics men’s figure skating contest.

They joked about the sexual orientation of the contestants and made a quip about flamboyant US skater Johnny Weir being gay. Australian gay rights activist Gary Burns made an official complaint about the remarks, while Channel Nine also received angry emails about the pair.

Molloy had said: “They don’t leave anything in the locker room these blokes do they?”

McGuire interrupted: “They don’t leave anything in the closet either do they?”

Molloy then joked that McGuire could get into trouble for the comment but then said described another skater’s costume as something even singer Prince would not wear. Another competitor’s costume was described by McGuire as “a bit of a broke back” – a reference to the gay cowboy film Brokeback Mountain. Burns told AAP that the pair should apologise for their comments.

He said: “These hired goons were not down at the pub drinking flat beer with their mates, they were on national television being viewed by millions of Australians.

“On Mardi Gras eve the board’s decision to accept this complaint is a timely reminder to homophobes like McGuire and Molloy they won’t get away with vilifying homosexuals.”

Weir, the figure skater who was the butt of Molloy and McGuire’s jokes, has refused to comment on whether he is gay. He was also a target of French commentators who suggested he should take a gender test. The Quebec Gay and Lesbian Council has demanded an apology from French channel RDS for the remarks, which it said were “outrageous” and “homophobic”. Weir told a press conference this week that he believed in free speech and did not want to see the broadcasters punished.

But he added: “I want them to think before they speak. I want them to think about not only the person they’re talking about, but also other people like that person.

“What people as a majority need to do is think, and think about who they’re affecting. … I don’t want, 50 years from now, more boys and girls to go through this same thing.”

WASHINGTON – Condoms that do not fit right could break and may reduce sexual pleasure for both partners, suggesting reasons why men and women often fail to use them, researchers reported.

The study, released Monday, has implications for countries trying to encourage people to use condoms to reduce the risk of AIDS, other sexually transmitted infections and unwanted pregnancy, the researchers reported in the journal Sexually Transmitted Infections.

“Men and their female sex partners may benefit from public health efforts designed to promote the improved fit of condoms,” Dr. Richard Crosby of the University of Kentucky and Dr. Bill Yarber of the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction in Indiana wrote.

They surveyed 436 men aged 18 to 67 for their study.

Nearly half — 45 percent — said they had used a badly fitting condom during the previous three months.

These men were more than 2 1/2 times as likely to say the condom broke or slipped when they used it. They also often reported it was irritating to wear.

The men who wore poorly fitting condoms were twice as likely to say that using one reduced sexual pleasure for themselves and their partners.

The findings may make some people giggle, but the researchers said the implications were serious. Men will often not buy condoms sized “small” or even “medium,” they said.

“Moreover, the increased likelihood that men using ill-fitting condoms will remove condoms before sex ends constitutes another form of condom failure. Fortunately, it seems likely that these problems could be rectified through education programs,” the researchers wrote.

See original story on MSNBC!

Click here to visit CONDOMERIE and choose your own ’size to fit’ condom!

NEW YORK – A Truth Wins Out (TWO) and South Florida Gay News (SFGN) investigation revealed today that a Wall Street criminal mastermind who was convicted in 1987 of “fraud of spectacular scope” has secretly reinvented himself as a moral leader who “cures” gay and lesbian people. Known as “Abba Dabba Do” in the financial world, Arthur Abba Goldberg was sentenced to 18 months in jail for bilking poor communities with complicated bond schemes and served six months in prison.

“We have long considered Arthur Goldberg a con-artist, but our investigation shows he is also an ex-con,” said Wayne Besen, Executive Director of Truth Wins Out. ”His diabolical past mirrors his dishonest present-day work with the ex-gay industry. Whether it was shady deals on Wall Street or shading the truth on gay issues, Goldberg is someone who lacks credibility and can’t be trusted.”

“Mr. Goldberg’s silence today about his illegal conduct yesterday is a clear indicator that 18 months in prison 20 years ago has not inhibited his willingness to deceive others in order to advance himself today,” said SFGN Publisher Norm Kent. “You free yourself by admitting your wrongs, not erasing them. Goldberg is hardly in a position to be advocating how gay men and women should be authentic with their own lives when he is a fraud with his.”

Upon completing his parole, Goldberg dropped his conspicuous middle name, Abba, and co-founded Jews Offering New Alternatives to Homosexuality (JONAH) in 1999. He is currently the president of Positive Alternatives to Homosexuality (PATH), an umbrella group for “ex-gay” referrals and the Executive Secretary of the notorious National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). He is also the President of Congregation Mount Sinai, a temple in Jersey City and a Principal for the International Center for Gender Affirming Processes (CGAP). Goldberg is a key ex-gay industry insider and viewed as an architect of its strategy and message machine, says TWO and SFGN.

In 1989, Goldberg plead guilty in federal court in California and Illinois to three counts of wire and mail fraud, and conspiracy to defraud the United States. The accusations he admitted to include his participation as the engineer of a phony bond and investment scheme, which netted his Wall Street investment firm nearly $11 million in illegal fees.

The U.S. Attorney who handled the case at the time, K. William O’Connor, told the court at his sentencing that Goldberg’s crime was “a fraud of spectacular scope.”

The SEC banned Goldberg and his firm from ever selling securities again. In addition to his prison term, Goldberg was disbarred in both New Jersey and Connecticut. Despite that, he lists himself as a Doctor of Laws today on the website of NARTH.

More specific information on this case can be found at www.southfloridagaynews.com and www.TruthWinsOut.org.

Additionally, Goldberg is the author of “Light in the Closet” (Red Heifer Press), which promises to “explode the gay gene mystique, offering hope, compassion, direction and vitally needed information to gay strugglers, their families, friends, and surrounding community.” JONAH also plays a key role in supplying clients for Journey into Manhood Weekend, an ex-gay boot camp, where participants are taken deep into the woods to supposedly discover their masculinity. Goldberg is not gay, but has an openly gay son who reportedly lives in the New York City area.

“We conducted an investigation into Goldberg’s dark history to shine a little light in his own closet; to tell the world the truth about who Goldberg really is, and how he has never owned up to his sordid and tawdry past.”

Although Goldberg often claims that he has been deeply involved in civil rights issues, his case revealed a deep insensitivity to minorities. An October 1, 1989 story in the Philadelphia Inquirer reveals that Goldberg jokingly described a bond issue the firm had underwritten in Guam as “selling bonds to the cannibals.”  He also sought out poor minority communities, such as East Saint Louis, as targets for his conspiracies.

“Simply by concealing his middle name and omitting his dirty deeds from his biography, Goldberg was able to mask his past as a mini-Madoff,” said Besen. “The real Arthur Abba Goldberg is an unsavory character who lacks the credibility and integrity to portray himself as an expert on gay and lesbian issues.”

In an interview, one of Goldberg’s former clients suggests that his past moral deficiencies are reflected in his current work. He says that Goldberg is manipulative and exploits those who are despondent and desperate to conform, so they can fit in and be accepted by their friends and family members.

“Arthur Goldberg takes advantage of the vulnerability of religious Jews by promising them the opportunity to heal from their homosexuality and be able to live a life within the community they grew up in and fulfill the expectations they had of themselves and of their families,” the former client told TWO and SFGN. “When speaking to Arthur Goldberg, he uses false statistics of changing hundreds and thousands of men and women and other such numbers as an 80% success rate, which is misleading and false.”

Based in Fort Lauderdale, South Florida Gay News is the premier information source for the region’s gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community.

Truth Wins Out is a non-profit organization that defends the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community against anti-gay misinformation, counters the so-called “ex-gay” industry and educates America about the lives of LGBT people. Our goal is to fight for a world where LGBT individuals can live openly, honestly, free of discrimination and be true to themselves.

(Research team: Wayne Besen, Norm Kent, Michael Hamar, J. Wong)


Contact: Wayne Besen, TWO Executive Director
Phone:  917-691-5118
E-Mail: wbesen@truthwinsout.org
Web:  www.TruthWinsOut.org

Contact: Norm Kent, SFGN Publisher
Phone:  954 -530 -4970
E-mail: Norm@NormKent.com

Rugby player Gareth Thomas has been accused of “promoting” gay sex to young children for his patron role in LGBT History Month. Thomas came out in December and has enjoyed overwhelming support from his teammates and the public. But Stephen Green, the director of the small homophobic group Christian Voice, accused him of wickedness for volunteering to help educate schoolchildren about gay history.

Mr Green said in a press release that the yearly event was “shameful propaganda” and that organising group Schools Out was “promoting sodomy to school-children under the guise of anti-bullying”.

He said: “In adolescence, pro-sodomy teaching in secondary school can easily turn an adolescent phase of same-sex attraction, which many girls and boys go through, into a fixed orientation.

“Gareth Thomas is urging such children to identify themselves as homosexual, and to inhibit their normal development into heterosexuality. That is a wicked thing to do to impressionable young people. The Lord Jesus Christ spoke about millstones being tied around the necks of those who lead children astray.”

Mr Green continued: “Most right-thinking people would be appalled that sex in any form and sodomy in particular is being thrust down small children’s throats, yet that is what Gareth Thomas is now promoting. It would be understandable if any club associated with him came to be tarred with the same brush. Right-thinking people do not like sodomy being promoted to children.”

Thomas, 35, told Wales on Sunday yesterday: “I appreciate not everyone will have the same viewpoint as me and I have no problem with that.” His manager Emanuele Palladino, added: “Gareth is very proud of who he is and what his role is. He has had thousands of letters of support from boys saying how much he has helped them. He didn’t set out to be a role model, but by being the only high-profile gay sportsman he has ended up as that.”

Sue Sanders, the co-chair of LGBT History Month, said that Mr Green was only making life difficult for all children with his comments. She told the newspaper: “Education is key to understanding the diversity of the human condition. When we do black history month we don’t turn all our kids black. Learning about someone does not mean that is what you turn into. You get knowledge and understanding.”

By Adam Lake • February 9, 2010 – 11:19

Vaughn Walker, the Chief US District Judge overseeing the Proposition 8 trial, has been outed by a leading American newspaper.

Describing Judge Vaughn Walker’s sexuality as “the biggest open secret in the landmark trial”, the San Francisco Chronicle spoke to an unnamed federal judge who commented:

“He has a private life and he doesn’t conceal it, but doesn’t think it is relevant to his decisions in any case, and he doesn’t bring it to bear in any decisions.”

The federal trial is examining whether Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage in California, is constitutional.

Gay marriage was legalised in California in May 2008. Voters banned it under Proposition 8 the following November. The estimated 18,000 gay couples who were able to marry in that brief window have been allowed to remain married.

Judge Vaughn has not always been popular amongst the LGBT community. In 1982 he represented the US Olympic Committee in a successful bid to keep San Francisco’s Gay Olympics from infringing on its name, the lawsuit was widely
viewed as homophobic.

“Walker, by the way, didn’t seek out the Prop. 8 case – it was assigned to him at random,” the San Fransisco Chronicle continued.

“If the judge decides that Prop 8 is unconstitutional, supporters of the measure are sure to take it to the federal appeals court and the U.S. Supreme Court, if necessary.

“Kendell expects that if that happens, the measure’s proponents will make an issue of the judge’s sexual orientation.”

Testimony has ended in the case, and final arguments from both sides are expected soon.