From RealJock: Long-Suffering Boyfriends and the Newly Gay
Ask Joe: Advice for Long-Suffering Boyfriends and the Newly Gay
By Joe Weston
Welcome to “Ask Joe,” RealJock’s advice column, written by our regular contributor, Joe Weston. Joe is a life coach, workshop facilitator, lecturer and peace advocate with a deep commitment to the possibility of individual personal fulfillment. Looking for some clarity on tricky issues in your life? Share what’s on your mind with Joe—concerning work, personal awareness, love and romance, meditation and spiritual exploration, or just about anything else that’s getting between you and your life goals.
Write to Joe:
Reaching Joe couldn’t be simpler: just email your question to joe@realjock.com. Your identity will be kept anonymous, but do note that questions may be edited for length and clarity.
Hi Joe,
I am newly gay, having begun my reprogramming process several months ago. I am healthy and in my fifties, yep, better late than never in finding my true self!
But, before I started the process I could get an erection quickly and easily. Now not so much. I feel stuck in between hetero and gay. When I find the chance to play with a gay man I just can’t get it up. I think it is more mental than physical? I have been checked by a doctor and I am okay physically. I have not found a man that excites me emotionally? Maybe I haven’t progressed far enough yet in my process?
Your thoughts? And, yes, I fully understand that being gay is about attraction and love more than sex.
—Stuck in the Middle
Welcome, S.I.T.M.!
Congratulations for having the courage to speak your truth and be who you want to be. What a great time to begin this process. I have many clients in their fifties who are just coming to this same place within themselves. So many exciting, vital men of that age. Take your time though! You have a lot of ground to cover and have plenty of time to do it.
Your situation is actually quite common. There are many reasons why you may not get an erection when you engage erotically with men. Far too many to mention in one letter, but let’s take a look at one. You say you are healthy and vital and in a good place with who you are, so I doubt you are having any physical issues. I would imagine that the main cause of not getting erections might have to do with anxiety.
And that makes sense. There are so many new things you suddenly have to deal with and address. Things you may never have considered or have any kind of reference for. And since you probably don’t know the gay world too well, I would imagine that you are still trying to figure out how that world operates. Not to mention some possible concerns about sexual practices, performance, hygiene and, of course, health questions.
I would recommend you see yourself as a teenager in terms of how much information and experience you have. This is not an insult. On the contrary, this can help you get into a fun and playful attitude about how to live the rest of your life! Be curious. Make lists of questions, read books, ask questions. Find mentors and teachers you can trust who can guide you through. This is a great way to jump into the scene in a safe way and not find yourself on the periphery feeling alone and frustrated.
Give yourself the space to explore and have fun! Try things out and find out what turns you on. Start with massages, or just kissing, maybe even erotic massage or any sexual activities that feels right. Isn’t that how we did it as teenagers, with boys or with girls? Well, maybe not all of us, but some of us? There are also qualified schools and practitioners who teach techniques in self-pleasuring and safe sex practices.
When you know what turns you on, when you figure out what feels right to you, when you can get to a place where you feel at home in this new world of yours, I would imagine that you will have ease getting erections and opening to deep levels of erotic pleasure. And by the way, there are plenty of ways to experience sexual bliss without getting an erection!
See this as a time of research and experimenting. No need to do it right, no pressure. Enjoy it while you can! What comes next are all the issues and worries about all the stuff that comes with emotional involvement and intimacy….
Much joy to you,
—Joe
I run into this pretty regularly, and Joe is right on. I think the operative phrase in your question is “play with a gay man.” At our age, when the dick is not so urgent for release, other feelings make themselves heard too. Comfort with a potential lover and plenty of non-sexual fooling around may lead you where you want to go.