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Ask Joe: Advice on Long-Distance Relationships and Drug Addicted Boyfriends

RealJock’s advice columnist, written by regular contributor, Joe Weston.

Joe is a life coach, workshop facilitator, lecturer and peace advocate who believes we all can find a desired level of personal fulfillment and inner peace through the practice of deepening, illuminating and integrating the various aspects of our lives. Looking for some clarity on tricky issues in your life? Share what’s on your mind with Joe—concerning work, personal awareness, love and romance, meditation and spiritual exploration, or just about anything else that’s on your mind.

Write to Joe:
Reaching Joe couldn’t be simpler: just email your question to joe@realjock.com. Your identity will be kept anonymous, but do note that questions may be edited for length and clarity.

Hi Joe,
My partner of 25 years recently admitted to having abused prescription drugs for the last two years. I noticed at about the same time every month that he would be acting strange to the point where I thought he had a neurological problem or, God forbid, some sort of brain malfunction or even tumor. I’ve come to find out he was taking a whole month’s prescription of both zanex and vicodin in a one week period. How he functioned I don’t know, though he did end up getting laid off from his job, and in retrospect I think it had to be from the pills. He would be like a walking zombie, almost falling asleep standing up. When I found out about this back in January I naturally threatened to leave him, and I was so relieved when he gave them up. Yet last month I discovered that he was back at it again. At the same time, he (coincidentally?) came down with pneumonia and was hospitalized for five days. He had a chest tube to clear his lungs. Even so, his doctors don’t know of the abuse. Could this bout of pneumonia have been in some part caused by his drug abuse? Is he pulling a Michael Jackson on me where his organs are being effected by repeated drug use?
—His Better Half?

Dear Better,
So let me get this straight—your partner of 25 years is taking a whole month’s prescription of Xanax and Vicodin in one week, gets laid off from his job, gets pneumonia and is hospitalized. And you are asking me if he has a drug problem and if the drugs are causing his illnesses? What were you thinking? What have you been saying to him? What have you been putting up with? What has kept you from an intervention? If you haven’t done it yet, it’s time to get your head out of the sand and start taking action! It seems that your partner is not capable of taking care of himself at the moment. If I understand the facts correctly, your partner is a drug addict and needs some serious support. And so do you! Go immediately to an Al-Anon meeting, do not pass go, do not collect $200!

The first issue that needs to be addressed is saving your partner’s life—both physically and emotionally. The next step is looking at how you have managed to stand by and watch the man you love spiral down to bottom. Not to mention all the pain and suffering this has probably caused you and all your own personal needs that have not been dealt with. You are probably a very caring and giving man. You probably put others before you. Well, sometimes speaking up and demanding action and taking care of your own needs is the most compassionate thing you can do for someone, even if it hurts them or pisses them off. Speak your truth, see the truth, dear, dear man!

Read Joe’s advice about Drug Addicted Boyfriends on RealJock