Manhunt Cares

Hey Dr. Queerlove,

I’m a young guy, (22) recent graduate. I work out and have a nice body. Told I’m cute. So, why can’t I find a guy? When I was in school it was easy. Now I’m in a bigger city and it’s surprisingly hard. I can get a number, but if I call or text there is no response, or maybe some conversation then I never hear from the guy again. I’m told I can be a little aggressive but I feel if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be able to go up to guys in the first place.

How do I approach a guy and keep him interested beyond a one night stand? I know I’m only 22, but a lot of my straight college friends are getting married or have been in long term relationships. I’m tired of hook-ups. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Looking for Love in Detroit

LLD,

When people actively look for a relationship, I have noticed that they rarely find what they seek. Primarily for two reasons. First, wanting a boyfriend so ardently clouds your judgment. People who obsess about romantic involvement (always wonder why they’re single, notice people who are not, ask what’s wrong with themselves, etc.) tend to either be too picky and end up missing a number of opportunities for good dating, or they aren’t discriminating enough and put up with a beeper salesman that lives with his mother because “there’s something about him.” Secondly, when people are on the hunt for an LTR, any sign of a relationship makes them jump three, five or thirty steps ahead. This, inevitably, will scare some guys away.

Unfortunately, the best way to get into a serious relationship is to not look for it, and let it happen organically (no pun intended). Your mental state is imperative. Don’t look for a long term relationship. Look for a few casual dates. And they are different. One is the cart, the other is the horse. When your mind is in relationship seeking mode you set expectations for the situation. You judge a date on whether you can see yourself with this guy, as opposed to if you want to catch a movie next week. Dating is casual and inconsequential; setting little to no expectation. “Can I sit through another meal with this guy?” “Is he interesting to talk to?” Not “Will my friends like him?” “I wonder where he wants to live in 5 years?”

Furthermore—and to me this is the biggest thing—when someone tells me they really want a long-term relationship, what I hear is “I am not happy with myself.” It has been my experience that people who seek a partner, versus those who get into relationships because they just happen, are looking for someone to love them. Which means they don’t love themselves enough (didn’t know the Doctor was so touchy-feely, did ya?). If you need a relationship to make you feel like your life is complete, then you are in need of something far more valuable than a boyfriend.

And, you’re only 22! I hear you acknowledge your youth and respect your mature desire for partnership, but—and listen to me on this—your twenties are not the time to bog yourself down in a long-term relationship. Your straight friends who are getting married are, unfortunately, incredibly likely to get divorced. That’s just a fact. And the heterosexual culture in the South and Mid-west fosters an outdated 1950’s sentiment that encourages marriage at an early age.

Without trying to be condescending, in your early twenties you have no idea who you will be (trust me! Lord knows I thought I did). You grow exponentially over the next 10 years. The person you are now will be nothing like the person you will be in 7, or even 3 years. You cannot say you want to spend the rest of your life with someone when neither of you really know what your life will be.

This will one day hit your married friends and they’ll realize they spent their youth playing house. I would rather marry the love of my life when I’m 40, than marry someone who I really think will be the love of my life when I’m 25, only to be single and start dating all over again when I’m 45. There’s nothing wrong with dating in your 40’s, but it is easier to date in your twenties. And, if you have found the love of your life at 25, then they’ll be there when you’re 35. Marry them then.

In regards to meeting good men, it’s not likely to happen at a bar or nightclub. You want men of substance, then do substantial things. Join a sports group, book club, volunteer organization, etc. Have friends introduce you to people. Say hello to someone at the bookstore or café. Not to say quality men don’t go to bars, but picking someone up at a bar has an intrinsic one-night-stand feel. It’s just the truth. And if you do meet someone at a bar, don’t go home with them!

Also, stop being aggressive. Be assertive. There’s a difference between being confident and casual and being overwhelming and tenacious. Know when to gracefully step away, and don’t let failed attempts get to you (which I know is easier said than done). The fact that you dote on men not calling you back tells me you invest too much too early.

To wrap up this dissertation, my advice to you is “be single.” Stop looking. For six months don’t date, hook up, grab drinks, phone sex, cuddle – whatever. You need to learn to be happy alone; which means not longing or desiring something, but reaching full contentment within yourself.

Once you get there, I’m willing to bet that men will come to you.

DISCLAIMER: Dr. Queerlove is not a doctor, of any kind. Not even a Ph.D. in Women’s Studies. So if you follow his advice and end up bruised, impotent and alone, you can’t sue us… because we’re telling you right here that you can’t.